Katie’s heart…..

This morning my sweet baby daughter and I went to her follow-up appointment with her heart doctor, Dr. Guillermo Crespo. Katie has a condition called “Aortic Stenosis”, which she was born with. The short explanation of it is that one of her chambers is so small that it’s like she has two heart chambers instead of three. When she was a lot younger, it was expected that she’d have to have surgery/valve replacement by the time she was 18; however, her yearly Echocardiograms have shown that the condition hasn’t changed, and she has always felt fine, so one year turned into another, then another, then……  Now she’s 23 and no surgery yet.

A few months ago, she started to have some “flutterings”, so we made an appointment to see Dr.Crespo, where he took another Echo, then put her on a heart monitor for a month. Her follow-up from those “events” was this morning, and we found out a lot of information!  The girl is amazing.  This is how he explained it: a normal heart opening is about the size of a 50-cent piece. Her heart opening is about the size of a dime. The normal heart operates at about a “10” (not quite sure how to explain this since he was using a diagram, and I’m not sure if the numbers he was saying pertained to the percentage of not working or what, but just go with me here…). So, anyway, the normal heart is a “10”; once a heart reaches “60”, they usually operate/replace the valve because the patient is in very high distress, can’t get comfortable, and has a hard time functioning and breathing enough to live; Katie is at an “80”, yet she feels fine!!

~~Let me just insert here that anyone who doesn’t believe in the power of prayer or the presence of God just has to look at Katie and their mind would have to be changed.~~

Her Echocardiograms have been in the same range for the past 7 or 8 years, so Dr. Crespo is not seeing any significant change, but he wants to start following her every  6 months now instead of yearly. However, he’s cutely baffled by her because every time he asks her how she feels, she always replies with her wonderfully happy, upbeat “fine!”. Dr. Crespo is from either Brazil or Guatemala, or someplace down there, because he has that wonderful South American accent. He’s so handsome that Katie and I have decided to fight over him, but since he’s getting some gorgeous gray in his jet black hair, I think I’m going to win the battle since he might actually be closer to my age!! ha ha ha

In all honesty, though, he is a great doctor because he spends so much time explaining things and making both of us comfortable. He said the operation can technically be done at any time, but he’d prefer “we” wait as long as possible since every year brings more medical advances in how this will be handled. However, she can’t wait too long because it will stress the heart too much if the heart is too “high a number” (my words, since I’m not a doctor).  Dr. Crespo told Katie to keep an eye on her health, continue exercising as she has been since she started college, and if she feels anything heart-related to call him immediately. All common sense advice, and the same as he’s been saying, which is why we’ve made a few trips to the ER in the past few months.

I really think she will have the operation at least by the next six month check-up, since she has beaten the odds all these many years because of her strict exercising.  But, if she’s at an “80” now, and he doesn’t want it to get too much worse, then the Echo is going to have to be the determining factor, not how she’s feeling. My sunny girl will always answer “Fine” to how she’s feeling.  I love, love, love my sweet girl.

So, for now, the prayers continue….both of asking for His guidance and protection, and of gratitude and thankfulness for what He is continuing to do. It’s all in God’s time.

Forgiveness

(Note: A few weeks ago, the pastor of my church—Bangor Baptist—asked me to give a testimony on forgiveness as part of a series he was doing. I’m a horrible public speaker, so I wrote what was in my heart, then took notes from my “essay”, and spoke from the notes. I think it went well since I received a lot of positive feedback. Most of all, I hope I was able to glorify God. The following is my “essay”).

I had a perfect childhood. I thought it was wonderful. I was Daddy’s little girl; I was “nicely spoiled”, and I was very happy. In my world, abuse absolutely did not exist. My mother’s family is from a long line of German, Spanish, Irish, and…..who knows. Her sister married into a huge Polish family. So, growing up I definitely was witness to many, many, many blow ups between siblings, aunts, uncles, husbands, wives, and so on. But, they always made up and life went on. My father’s family, however, is from Indiana. Typical mid-western personality; very even-tempered, not a lot of heated exchanges between family members…..and so on. So, on both sides I guess I was insulated from the real world. I knew less than nothing about abusive marriages. That only happened in books or movies. If you got mad, you yelled, got it off your chest, and things went back to normal.

We lived in Maryland for most of my life, moved to Maine for a few years during my junior high school years, then moved back to Maryland during my first year of high school because my parents were close to breaking up, and my mother needed the support of her family.

My parents stayed married, sometimes barely, until the summer before my senior year of high school. I wasn’t quite 17 years old. One day, my father announced he was “going to find himself”. My uncle always said all he had to do was look in the mirror, but I guess my father had other ideas. Uncle Jimmy was great. Anyway, my father left us to look for himself, leaving my mother, who had no job and had always happily been a housewife, and me, just ready to start a critical year in high school. I didn’t know my world could be turned upside down so fast. I couldn’t forgive him for doing this to me; I didn’t know how to cope with a life that didn’t go according to my plan….college became out of the question when we had to sell the house and move to an apartment; I had to get a job to help pay the rent. I think my father tried to stay in touch with me, but I was so hurt that I didn’t want to see him; I just could not understand his logic for leaving me like that. A few months after leaving the family, he left the state to move back to Indiana. I was even more devastated, but also angry that he couldn’t at least stay around long enough for me to work my way back to him. In my selfish, righteous anger I wanted our reconciliation to be on my terms.

When I was 18 I was introduced to a friend of my cousin. He was everything my father wasn’t…opinionated, loud, always ready to fight someone. He was a body-builder wanna be, and he had the frame of mind that the world was his for the taking. He was a typical “bad boy”, but because he was so charming, cute, and ready to “protect me”, I fell in “love” with him. Most of all, he was everything my father wasn’t, so I thought we’d stay together forever. I hated divorce, both on a moral level, and on an emotional level. We dated almost a year, and at 19 we got married. I didn’t see how he had been slowly drawing me away from my family for that time, or how our whole world had become only about his family, what he wanted to do, what he wanted me to wear. I knew nothing of the signs of an abuser; one week after we were married, he kicked me and cracked my tailbone. For the next three years, there were fights, slapping, incredible verbal abuse, furniture broken, food thrown because it wasn’t fixed properly, I was hit, disgraced, and sent to the hospital. Always followed by a tearful apology. He constantly told me I was ugly, my 100 pound body was fat, and I was lucky to have him since no one else would want me. These were all things 180 degrees from what I’d been told growing up, but when something is said so often and you’re already physically beaten down, it’s easy to start believing it. Ironically, he was a “Christian”, and through him and his friends, who were beyond wonderful and became some of my best friends, but he, and then I, were able to hide his monster-side from them….anyway, through him I came to know Christ on a personal level. Even through all this I didn’t want to get a divorce; I didn’t want to be a “failure” and do what my father did. I hadn’t forgiven him yet, so maybe part of it was that I didn’t really want to understand him.

The beginning of the end was when he was hurt at work and broke his back. He was off work for a few months, then decided that drinking and doing drugs was a much better life. Oh, and the girlfriends. Especially bringing them home while I was working; or staying out at the bar until after it closed; or not coming home at all for a few days. Of course, one of the real surprises came when his girlfriend got into a fight at the bar with another girl, and she had to go to the hospital. Her name was also Susan, so he took her to the emergency room and used my insurance card, claiming that she was his wife!!

I finally left him after he came home one day before I left for work in the morning, and because he was so strung out on drugs he broke every piece of furniture in the house, punched holes in all the walls, and would have come after me but I had run out the other door after witnessing all this.

All this is barely scratching the surface of what happened while I was married to him.

Through all this, I still hadn’t forgiven my father, but at the urging of my mother had met with him once or twice. The meetings didn’t go well, but it was a start. Most of all, I had the control I had so desperately wanted in letting him know how it felt to be left with needing answers, closure, and love.

Before my divorce was final, I met another guy who was kind, sweet, gentle, nice….etc, etc. He was now the opposite of my first disaster, but still seemed to still be not quite so laid back as my father. He was fun to be with, handsome, easy to talk with, seemed to like my family, and would go out of his way to be there for me. Most of all, he didn’t hit me. I thought I was in heaven.

Again, I didn’t see the warning signs. The temper, the extreme jealousy, the begging me to take him back each time I broke up with him because it didn’t seem “right”. But, I was needy and he was infatuated with me, so we stayed together. We were married about a year after we met in a huge Catholic church wedding. I knew going down that aisle that I needed to turn around and not get married. But, I didn’t want to disappoint everyone who had done so much for the wedding. It’s stupid, but it’s true. After we were married, things got worse, but, again, I wanted to make it work because I didn’t want yet another failure. He could get upset with me for no valid reason, then he wouldn’t talk to me for sometimes three weeks. No joke. He would barely even look at me; it was his way of punishing me for what he thought was a reason. It was excruciating. I would rather have had the physical abuse. The mental/emotional abuse is like water torture. I walked on egg shells trying not to get him upset. It was awful.

But, other times his “real self” would shine back through and we’d have a great time together. We had the same interests, the same sense of humor, all that. But I had to be careful not to make him upset. I really thought this marriage was going to last forever; we had two children, and he couldn’t have been more attentive or great throughout both pregnancies.

During this time, I was still barely talking to my father, but every time he made a move to reconcile and be forgiven, I was getting closer and closer to having a father/daughter relationship again. At least he was trying. It wasn’t until I had my first baby, Katie, that I realized how much I missed having him in my life and I started to want my children to know their grandfather. He made a few trips back to Maryland to see the grandkids; it wasn’t a carefree relationship, but it was at least a talking one now.

Eventually, when Katie was 3 years old, and Alex was one, my mother and stepfather decided to move up here, to Maine, and I talked Michael into it. My dream was that I could quit my job, stay home with my children, and be a real mom for a change. So, I quit my incredibly high-paying job at Westinghouse Defense, and we moved up here. Him having a job up here lasted not quite a year; he thought the state owed him a farm, a paycheck, and whatever else he wanted. By this time, we were barely speaking. He yelled at the kids a lot; he wouldn’t work; he was insanely jealous; he would check the time on the grocery store receipt to see if I was anyplace other than where I said I’d be. What in the world could I have done with two kids in tow, anyway???

When I left him, I had to sneak out of the house with a note telling him that divorce papers would be served in a few days. My mother, the kids, and I took off for Maryland for two weeks while he had time to get the papers served to him, and hopefully leave….. He did; he moved back to Maryland, and that’s the last I heard from him. My mother and step father made their downstairs into an apartment for the three of us to stay until we got on our feet, but it’s worked out so well that we are still there. There is nothing like extended family when you really need them!! I know I could not have made it without my mother’s help, love, and support.

Since then, almost 18 years ago, I have been on my own raising two blind children. Due to a recessive gene that we had no clue we carried, both kids were born with a relatively rare eye condition called Leber’s Congenital Amorosis. I have never received child support, alimony, or any requests to come up and see the kids. I started cleaning houses when they were small so I could have a schedule I could adjust around the times their Braille teacher would be there so I could learn along with them. It has been so hard. I’ve had to be both mother and father to them.

I never thought I could forgive either husband, or my father, for what they did to me. I used to hang on to that anger for all it was worth because at times, it was all I could feel. But, over the years I learned to forgive because it’s good for me. Both ex-husbands are idiots. I know that now, but there used to be times that I would literally start to get an ulcer just thinking about my first –ex husband and what he did to me. One time when Katie, Alex, and I had gone down to Maryland for Easter, I kept thinking about him and all he did. I actually prayed for me not to see him on the side of the road because I just knew I’d run him over. That was how deep his abuse had gone….I was still carrying it with me all those years later. It scared me how much I wanted revenge. It began to take over my thought process. Not just while I was down there on vacation, but even up here when I had to be concentrating on my children. I was making myself sick in the process, and I knew that if I continued on I’d be in the hospital.

All this time, I had been slowly building my relationship back up with my father. I was finding out that he and I had a lot in common, and….surprise, surprise…..my personality is a lot like his. A huge turning point with him came back in’ 92 or 93 when I was rushed to the hospital because of a huge brain tumor I didn’t know I had. As soon as we knew what was happening, my mother called my father, and he flew out here with his father right away. My grandfather hated, hated, hated to fly. But when he thought it might be the last time he’d see me, he was right on that plane to see me. My father’s reasoning was to see if he could help out my mother by taking the kids with him for a while so she could visit with me, and he could bond with Katie and Alex. Since then he had been up at least once a year to visit. We had finally settled into a very comfortable father/grown daughter relationship when he died of cancer last March. He didn’t even know he was sick, but when he died, I flew out to Indiana and re-connected with a whole other side of my family I hadn’t seen for about 25 years.

I could never have done that if I hadn’t forgiven him many years ago. Even though both of my failed marriages were a direct result of a choice he made, I have forgiven him because I needed to.

I have also forgiven both my exes. Not that they have any idea I have done so, but I have certainly made enough mistakes in my life to need forgiveness. I don’t plan on having a conversation anytime soon with one of my exes, but it’s still so nice not to have to carry around all that hatred.

Once I was able to forgive my father, my life fell into place with forgiving others. I know I am not the most perfect person; far from it, and I hope others will forgive me when I do stupid things. I imagine how disappointed Christ is with me so many times, yet He was willing to die for me. Did I deserve to be hit by a husband? No. Did I deserve severe emotional abuse? No. We could have talked things out, or just walked out of the room. However, I know I did not pray about either marriage, so I was not bringing God into it in the first place. How stupid was that? He would have given me the strength to do what I needed to do in the first place. But, I also know I wouldn’t be as close to God if I hadn’t gone through all of it.

After Graduation.....

Last Saturday's weather was a perfect Maine day; no humidity, beautiful clouds that hid the sun just enough so it wasn't too bright, and a slight-to-more-than-slight breeze. It threatened to be a rainy day since there was a tiny shower in the morning just after sunrise, but the dark clouds stayed in the distance all day, making the weather beautiful.  However, because of the possibility of rain, the graduation ceremony was held indoors at the gym, which I thought was even better as far as sound quality, etc.  It was a beautiful, beautiful day.

I woke up about 5 AM, then again about every 15 minutes after that. Finally, I just got up about 6, got changed into my what-I-wore-to-the-graduation-clothes, and started to "waste" time by getting on my computer and checking Facebook. No sooner had I decided that than my cell phone rang. It was Katie. She wasn't feeling well so I suggested we walk down to Dunkin Donuts downtown (a block away from the dorm) for some coffee.  I went upstairs from Alex's room and met her at the door to hers. It was only about 7 AM; the street was practically deserted, there was a slight breezed, and the sky still had the "I think I want to rain but not really since I just sent down a very tiny rain about an hour ago" look and feel to it. For a little bit, it seemed like just the two of us owned the morning.  We got our coffees, sat at a table in DD and finished them off, then left to get to the Snack Bar in the Student Center to meet Alex for breakfast.  Even in there, it was pretty deserted. I think all the graduating students had been out partying the night before, so they weren't awake yet!! I loved not having a lot of people around.

Once we ate, it was time to go back and get her cap and gown on.  It was time.....she's gong to look like a real, true college graduate!! We were so busy from the beginning of that morning until we got home to Bangor that I don't even know how we had time to remember how to breathe. At 9:30 we had to be over to the gym (one block straight ahead from her dorm) so she could get in her "line" depending on which major she wanted to graduate with. She chose her English Major.

The whole ceremony lasted not quite 2 hours, which I didn't think was too bad. It started at 10; ended at noon. There was a reception in the Dining Hall after, which we all went to for a few minutes. Good brownies.

After that, we changed into something "real" again--as in, not "good" clothes--and we went out to eat lunch. All students had to be out of their rooms by 4PM, so as soon as we ate, we headed back to the dorms, got the rest of the stuff out of both rooms, which filled the back of the van so much that we weren't sure where we were going to put everything (!!!)  And that was just the leftovers from what had already been taken home the day before!!

We headed back to Bangor by about 4:15; Katie slept most of the way home. She was so exhausted.  When we got home, she tried to take a nap but couldn't really get to sleep, and her heart was beating so erratically and hard that it was starting to scare me. She was born with Aortic Stenosis so I'm always a little pre-occupied when it comes to her heart.  Off to the Emergency Room........turns out she was severely dehydrated, and she was getting sick, but didn't know it yet. They gave her a whole bag of fluids, and she started to feel better after that.

Sunday was a "normal" day, but Monday.....Katie woke up with an extremely sore throat. I didn't want to take a chance that it might be strep throat, so she was able to get an appointment for that same day with a doctor. So....off we went. Fortunately, it was not strep.  But, he did give her some antibiotics, so I was glad of that.

So, it's been a pretty wild and crazy week so far. It's so, so, so nice to have them back!!

UMFarmington.....five years later.....

It's so hard to believe that five years have passed since Katie started college.  Sometimes it seems like just yesterday; other times it seems like the five years have been just the right amount. My precious baby girl started college as an 18 year old teenager and will be graduating a 23 year old young woman, with her whole future ahead of her, ready to take on the world if she so chooses. Teaching high school English is a daunting task for the best of them out there, but she has such passion and love for the subject that any student will be more than lucky to get her as a teacher.  As with any job, it won't always be an easy task, but adoring the subject being taught will make it much more enjoyable and easy.

It's amazing that the same person who could barely read Dr. Suess in first grade is now reading Shakespeare as a "relaxing" book, and who could barely spell to save her life is now her own personal spell check! She has come such a long, long way in her life. There has never been a time when she has accepted the notion of the word "no", and has not fought tooth and nail to make something happen that she really wants.

Five years ago she started attending the University of Maine at Farmington; she felt at home the first time she stepped onto the campus, and I felt the same type of comfort in leaving her here to start her college "career". UMF is an amazing, warm, family-type of college. It's small, but there is nothing small in the education received or the warmth from the faculty. It has consistently been ranked in at least the top 10 colleges throughout New England, and one of the top in the Country for producing high-quality teachers.

Katie has made friends, become quite adept at being independent, and has matured while she has been here.  She is quite an amazing young lady. This has truly become her home away from home, and I couldn't be any happier.  She will graduate with a double major in Education and English (not quite sure of the exact titles). 

I came down Friday morning to help Katie get her room packed up, and so I could spend the night here and not have to rush to get down here in the morning; I am now sitting in Alex's dorm room getting ready to go to sleep (his roommate left after finals during the week). As I helped her pack ALL of her stuff up, I couldn't help but remember when we were getting her ready to move in for the first time. Now, it's all packed for the last time. Soon, she starts her journey towards her future.

I don't know if I will cry or not as I watch her stride across that "stage" and accept her extremely-well-deserved diploma, but I do know I will be bursting with pride that my baby is a college graduate!  There were times when she was so upset/stressed with her classes that she didn't think she'd ever make it; times when she wasn't sure if she had chosen the right path; times when she would have loved to have just come home and never see this place again. But....she stayed true to her "career" choice, and now she is so happy she didn't quit. Student teaching was not the easiest thing to do this year; being observed by the advisors when taking over another teacher's class is not always easy. Getting their observations/reviews is not always fun, either, but it's a chance to grow and learn. She did both. She is such an incredibly resilient young lady. I'm sure God has such a great plan for her; I am so humbly blessed that He is allowing me to be here to share it with her.

I love you Katie-girl. Congratulations on your graduation from college. Welcome to the next part of your life. May God bless you and keep you.   Love you!! MOM

Just Stress....

Living with depression is so, so hard. It eats the nerves from the inside out, and doesn't stop even when its full. However, I'm not talking about my depression, since I don't have it, but my mother's. Some days are fine. She feels great, she's happy, she's up and about in the house, and she's not dwelling on the past. Other days, like today, I can't wait to escape to my upstairs "space" and not be around her. However, I can still hear her crying/sobbing, muttering to herself things like, "I don't care"; "it doesn't matter"; "**sighhhhhhhh**"; "what's the use"; etc. When I go down to ask her what's wrong, or just to sit with her, she tries to hide the fact that she was crying. When I ask her why she's crying, she'll say "I'm not." Right.

It's so hard to be around her because I know I can't help her; I'm so helpless in alleviating any of her pain. She is in chronic, severe pain 100% of the time, so much so that her pain pills take the pain level from maybe a 15 (on a scale of 10 being the highest) to a relatively bearable 11.

It's not only her pain, but also her loneliness. She really doesn't have any friends any more. Her very, very best friend, Miss Dorothy, died two (one? no, I think it was two) years ago from lung problems. My two aunts are both gone--Aunt Carole died in 1984/85; Aunt Sis died in 1999. Her other best friend, Miss Mary, has dropped off the face of the earth, but we think she has some psychological problems and that's why she stopped communicating with my mother years ago. Except for Aunt Sis, who lived down the street from us up here in Maine, everyone else lived in Maryland; so most of the friend relationships were kept up by phone. But, it was still a connection to her friends, her past, and things that were familiar. She had never made any close friends since moving to Maine 20 years ago, so it's not like there are people up here who can drop in for friendly visits.

She has no idea how negative she is; she thinks she is so very understanding of people. In fact, she thinks she is much more charitable, forgiving, and understanding than most people! Ummm.....no.  Not only does she automatically criticize everyone and everything, but she gets irritated when someone else does. It does no good to point this out to her. The few times I've tried, I've gotten the "Oh, so I can't even have an opinion? You're taking that away from me, too?" If she feels slighted or wronged by someone, she will never, ever forget, and will bring up the fact many times during different conversations. My father is a huge case-in-point, but he is only one case. I know it was bad; I know ALL the stupid and rotten things he did, but give it a rest after a while. She really doesn't admit what she did wrong, or that maybe she wasn't perfect. It's always the fault of someone else.  I think that even if you can't forgive and forget, then at least move past it. Holding on to the wrongs done to her seems to give her something to do. Almost noble in a strange sort of way.

She feels very, very cheated in and by life.  I know from our many, many conversations that she would love not to have been born, and if she died tomorrow she wouldn't care. I also know that she considers suicide many, many times.  Yes, we have talked about this. She has made it clear that the only reasons she has not done it is because she is chicken/knows God wouldn't like it, and she feels she's more use to me alive because she at least brings in a Social Security check which pays some of the bills. How in the world do you reason or comfort someone who deep down has no desire to even be on this earth? It's staggering to me. I know she had accepted Christ about 15 years ago when she went to church at Bangor Baptist Church with me, but I don't think she has embraced all that He is able to give her. She envies me my absolute faith, yet she won't take that one last step and completely give herself over to Him. I've tried to explain it to her. Well, I have explained it to her. She just won't give that one last piece of control over to Him. So, I keep trying to explain it and live it in front of her, but...... time will tell.

However, my heart is not in it anymore of trying to help her. I feel like I'm constantly going up against a brick wall. I think sometimes I'm too practical or logical. I mean, if someone truly doesn't want to be alive, why am I trying to make her feel good about living? If I could take her pain away, I would. But, I know that wouldn't take away her loneliness or unhappiness, so why try. That doesn't seem very nice of me, but I'm honestly getting to the point of not caring. I hate writing that. I am always the person who cares; who will get people out of a bad mood so they feel better; who will put my feelings last to make someone else happy; who will stuff my impatience/irritation so they won't see they are driving me crazy because that would make them feel bad.

Just once I'd like to be ignorant, uncaring, and a total bitch. Sometimes I think it would save my stress level and make me sleep better knowing I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. OK, I really don't want to be all those things, but every once in a while I need to think so, just because I'm human. If I didn't care so much, I wouldn't have so much stress of other people's moods effecting me.  I want to be able to wave a magic wand and make everyone better. But, I can't do that.

She has been wanting to go out to Walmart for the past week. Everytime she thinks she's able to go, she gets up and walks from one room to the other and has to sit because of the pain. Her doctor thinks she might have arthritis in her pelvic bones now. He wants her to get an X-ray, but that request was months ago, and she has yet to get any X-rays. So, now she is getting more depressed because she wants to get out of the house, but she can't get out because she's always in such pain; on top of all the pain, she has been exhausted lately and will sleep so, so much. I know a lot of that is from the depression, but it seems like a deeper exhaustion than "just" depression.

I'm really at my wit's end with how to deal with her.  Somehow, no matter what happens, it always becomes my fault. She let her driver's license expire a few years ago; even though it was pretty much a "team decision", she makes little comments that I didn't take her to get her license; I didn't encourage her; etc.  She forgets that back when we had two cars, she didn't drive at night, so I still had to take her places; it hurt her muscles to drive, especially with her fibro myalgia; she doesn't like to drive on "busy" roads, and every road out from our immediate house road is "busy" to her.

I don't know; maybe today was just an extra-sensitive day for me. Or, maybe today was an extra-sensitive day for her. I need to pray tons and tons, and I need prayer tons and tons. She's my mommy, and I love her; but it's gotten to the point where I'm the care-taker. It's exhausting.

I'll try to be more patient. I just feel so helpless.

Happy Mother's Day to me.....

This is what I put as my status update on my Facebook account today:

Susan Hall Since I've never, ever said it before, I will say it now....I absolutely, positively, undoubtedly, supremely, without fail, love, love, love my children!!! Katie and Alex, I'd be nothing without you two in my life. Thank you for being the awesome-est, best-est, greatest-est "children" a mother could ever ask for!!!!! ... ~~Happy Mother's Day to ME!!!!!

Then, just to clarify that I really have said it tons of times, I posted this as a comment:

(think I've never said that before..? ha ha. Well, except for the greatest-est part, since that's not really a word!!! ha ha ha, but it gets the point across!)

 

About an hour or so after that, my sweet baby boy Alex posts this on the comment:

 

Alex Hall

A day early, but we would not only not be here without you, but we would also not be who we are if you did not have the extraordinary courage to let (no, force) your blind children to do more than most sighted children do; biking, airsoft, CAP, cooking... We never thank you for everything you did and still do, so thanks, mom!

 

I was so touched that I started crying.  He's pretty reserved when it comes to sharing his feelings, so for him to say this deeply touched me. I feel like everything I've done has been right after all.

 

Right before I posted my original status, I listened to a voice mail from Katie; she had called my cell but I wasn't near my phone to answer it. When I listened to her message explaining a present she got for the teacher for whom she was student teaching, and did I think it sounded good, and she would still be in Walmart for the "next 5 minutes or so", etc..... in the background Alex was making random comments about what it (the frame) looked like, "correcting" her on the color of it, and other little comments. Katie was trying her best to ignore him, but he finally wore her down and she started giggling while she was talking. That 1 to 2 minute exchange reminded me of how much I love being around both of them, and how much I miss them when they are gone.  I started laughing listening to my voice mail; I could just picture them standing in the picture frame aisle at Walmart, Katie trying to leave me a "normal" message, and Alex standing next to her, leaning on his cane, and making the random comments just loud enough for me to hear, but not loud enough to overtake what she's saying!  How delightful they make my life!!!!

So, tomorrow is Mother's Day, but I've already gotten my presents....in the "human" form of the best babies anyone could be blessed enough to have!!

I love you Katie and Alex!!  Thank you for just being you.  God bless you.

Love you!!!

MOM.

 

It's almost graduation time for Katie.

I can't believe that my sweet little girl will be graduating college next Saturday!! After 5 years, it's finally time to leave the University of Maine at Farmington and start the journey of the rest of her life. She would have graduated last year, but she switched her major from elementary ed to secondary ed so she could teach high school English. She has such a passion for it; I'm so proud of her!! She has actually earned a double-major; both in teaching. She has done so well, and has accomplished so much!

I'm so, so, so grateful to God for keeping her safe, and for being there the many, many times I really wanted to be there and give her a "mommy hug" as she was going through different stressful times. It was so hard to only be able to listen over the phone as she'd be struggling with various homework assignments, feeling so overwhelmed and not sure if she would be able to finish a task on time. I'd talk her through as much as I could, but after hanging up, there was nothing more I could do for her except send urgent prayers to God asking if He'd give her huge hugs from me and let her know He was there; since she couldn't have the mommy hug, I knew having a hug from The Father would be wonderful. So many times I wanted to get in the van and drive the hour and a half (82 miles) to be with her; however, it wasn't always an option.  But, between God's hugs and Presence, the incredible professors at UMF, and Katie's tenacity, she was always able to pull through.  She is such a wonderful, incredible, sweet, darling young lady.  I love her so much that it actually takes my breath away.

It really doesn't seem like it's been five years. I have gotten to know Route 2 very well. All the little twists and turns of the road; the extensive re-paving/widening of a certain section of it; the roads that the logging trucks take so I either have to slow down to let them turn into the roads, or I have to be extra careful as they pull out in front of me.  I have also had many, many "conversation" with God asking Him to keep both Katie and Alex safe. Actually, some of my best "conversations" are while I'm driving. Speaking of conversations, I will have to end this one right now. I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I've been trying to get to bed "early" the past few night, but that means I am getting up a LOT earlier, too. ugh.

Goodnight Baby Girl!!!  I'm so proud and happy for you!!