It will be interesting to see what date and time gets stamped on this when I hit "post". As of this moment, it is 11:46 pm, Oct 31. However, we move the clocks back an hour as of 2 am (a few hours from now). AND, I'm never quite sure if this blog's site goes by Eastern Standard Time, Atlantic Time, or what. I thought I had it set to EST, but whenever I post after midnight and I think the date will be the next day's, it's still the original day. Too confusing for me. So, we'll see what date and time it decides to put on here when I'm finished rambling.
Even though I think I lead a very boring life, a lot always seems to happen. I've had a very stressful past few weeks. Some of it's my fault, some not. I know how much of an attitude I can have, but I don't think this time it's all on me. Back in August, there was a change of command in our Maine Wing Civil Air Patrol. Our previous wonderful Commander had served his four year term, so another one was selected. I wasn't crazy about who was chosen, but I had no say in it. I don't dislike the man at all. I think he's very nice and will do a lot of good for the Wing. However, I feel he's a micro-manager and I don't do well with that type of person. He didn't take office until sometime in September because of an issue with another person who had applied for the same position and hadn't been given the chance to truly compete. So, there was another, sort of a tie-breaker, Board convened, and in the end the original "winner" still got the position. (I would have loved to work for the other contender).
For some reason, as soon as he got the position, I knew my time as DCP was going to end. It is the privilege of the incoming commander to pick his new staff. I figured I was gone by the end of September. That time frame came and went, and I was still there, so I thought my job was safe. Nope.....the stress was just beginning, but my prediction was about to come true. He sent an email out to the staff to have a report due for October's staff meeting on plans for the rest of the year. All of my programs don't start until after Christmas/New Year, so I figured I have nothing to report on. In the same email he said in November he expects an in depth report on what's happening for next year; that I could do, so I thought I'd have a month to get everything ready. Well, at October's meeting, all the other departments were going on and on about their plans for the whole year, which isn't unusual since they are more year-round types of departments. It got to me, and I said I don't have anything planned until February so that's the end of my report. He was not happy. He was trying to pull information out of me by saying "but you have things planned" and "what about the NCSAs". Well, I have to say I thought that was pretty stupid; I mean, of course I have things planned, but that's not what he said he wanted until November, and theNational Special Cadet Activities are not even up on the National web site until November 1, so how can I report on something that's not even available??? I could feel the tension between us, and I wasn't helping. I honestly didn't know what he wanted from me. I felt like everyone else was following a script, but I was left out of the loop. And in a way, I guess they were since most of them are business men or have been in some type of command either at the squadron level or in the military. I'm just me.
Then, about a week or so later, he sends me an email that he had decided to have a cadet leadership training course here and he wants me to head it up. Not please, could you, or how about.....but you will. Excuse me? I will? Really? But, since I've wanted to direct another one anyway, I put his rudeness aside and start making plans. Since I'm in charge--or, heading it up--I decide that it will be at the Region level so we can attract more people and make it worthwhile to have it AND benefit other Wings. I start getting contact information for Hanscom AFB to get the dates set. Nope. He wants it in Maine. AND it has to be in March. But, I'm getting the Wing Cadet Comp for March, plus the Wing Conference is in March. Doesn't matter. He has a plan for when trainings will be held, and I'm to "make it work". This is all not setting too well with me at all, and I'm starting to feel like I'm selling myself just to keep my job, as unpaid as it is, as DCP. He has also informed me that he "will" have a concurrent NCO Academy with the Airman Academy. When I tried to explain that we only have 136 cadets in the Wing, and less than half of them are active, so I'd be taking cadet officers away from the AA, he said his philosophy is "if you present it, they will attend". As much as I tried to make him understand that I've been doing this job for a while, and we just don't have that many cadets to do everything, he thinks I'm wrong. He wants Maine Wing to be a "premier learning center". His answer to me when I asked him if I could ask a question about why he was so adamant about all this was "you can ask, but my answer will still be the same". That's not someone who is open to dialogue. I can't work like that. My answer to him was "I'll try", but I didn't want to promise him something and have to say I failed. I was going to try my best, but he wanted a commitment that I would do things his way no matter what. I only want to do what's in the best interest of the cadets, and taking resources from one program to shift to another--which, by the way is available at the Region level at the Cadet Academy, but he didn't care about that--was ridiculous. So, I had to say "I'm on board" (his words, not mine). Then, he said he needed dates for different things I had planned, but I didn't have the dates nailed down because I only had a few days to get him dates, and when I sent him the dates that I "plugged in", he didn't like it because I hadn't "secured the venues" (again, his words, not mine). Explaining to him that I only had a few days to get the dates to him and I had emails out to people about "securing the venues", well, he didn't like that answer either. Of course, he called me twice during this two week ordeal-of-stress, but life being what it is, there wasn't a lot of time conducive to calling him back. I didn't feel like having a stressful conversation at midnight and then trying to sleep after that, and on two consecutive weekends I had to make trips to Farmington for Katie and Alex, and I don't think driving and talking about stressful things is a good idea.
So, last Sunday I woke up to an email saying I had been removed as DCP, and an immediate follow up email with the information that I am now Director of Special Activities. I was crying hysterically, sobbing, hyperventilating....etc. Not a good way to start the morning before church. I called my friend who is the Chief of Staff and told her what happened. She knew because he had already called her; he had also called me right before, but had to leave a message as I was getting ready for church and didn't hear the phone. She kept saying to calm down, it will be ok, I'm still in Cadet Programs, just not in the same job.....etc. As a Christian, she said for me to go to church, don't worry about it right now, listen to the message, and let God take over. Between sniffles, I agreed she was right, and that I should send him an email that I still want to discuss it when I get home. So, I sent the email, went to church, and really listened. The Missions Pastor was talking about the Prodigal Son story, but he put a different perspective on it. The elder son was supposed to take care of everything when the younger son returned home; it wasn't the father's job to do that. Since the elder son wasn't happy about the younger son taking the money, being a pig, on and on, he went against tradition and didn't do anything for the son, thereby making the father look bad because he had to plan everything and host the party in his elder son's place. The elder son thought things wouldn't happen if he wasn't there to do his duty, but the father made them happen anyway. So, we shouldn't have the elder son's attitude when we have been in a position, anywhere, for a while. We are never that important that things can't happen without us. Pastor Chris Gnanekan said we should never have an "elder's attitude".
I thought that was a great message, and it really hit my heart. I've always said I wasn't that important that Cadet Programs couldn't run without me; a trained monkey can do what I'm doing. But, I wanted it to be on my time frame, not someone else's. So, I was actually being an "elder", but in a different way. I had to change my heart-attitude. That message helped tremendously when I spoke with him that afternoon. It was still hard, but it went ok. My main concern was who he was going to put in there to replace me. I had a feeling from back in August of who it might be, but then that person took another position at Wing, and I didn't think they could have two positions. Apparently they can, because she was asked. When I talked to him that day, he said he didn't know who he was going to put in there, but he had everyone's record who had a rating in Cadet Programs, and it might take him a while before he found someone. Within two hours there was an announcement on the list serve that the position had been filled. I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid......there was some behind the scenes stuff going on. Which, is within his right to do what he wants. However, I wish he'd have done this back in September. Just be honest with me and replace me; don't put me through tests to see if I can live up to your expectations. I'm not good at tests, and I'm really not good when I get an attitude. I really, really like who he put in there as DCP; I just don't like the disingenuous way he did it. It was disrespectful to me.
However, the new DCP is going to be fine. She and I met for a surprising three hours Monday morning and discussed the goals, how she does things, what she needs to know, etc. I will not mind working with her at all. And, if the wing commander keeps deciding that he wants to take Cadet Programs in too much of a different direction than I'm comfortable with, I'll just step down from Wing altogether and go back to just the squadron level. I have been appointed Public Affairs Officer in the squadron, so I'm really excited about that. I know I'll have something to do there, so I won't miss being at Wing if I just can't agree with the commander. We'll see what happens. At least I'm "handing it off" (even thought it's not by choice) to a person I can respect as DCP. I hope all these accolades don't blow up in my face!! ha ha When I took over as DCP 2 1/2 years ago, I had no real on-the-job training; he was there if I needed to call him, but it's not like I was able to be Co-DCP and learn directly from him; I learned tons and tons by trial and lots of error. But, I feel good about the job I did, all things considered. I kept the Cadet Program afloat, the cadets never lost anything; they still had Airman Academy, Encampment, etc. I was able to conduct the last Encampment in the state, then they following two were at the Region level, of which I was a part of helping to start. I'm still on the staff for the Region Academy/Encampment and the Region Cadet Competition. With our ever-shrinking cadet population (as it is in every other state), I did all that I could. I could have done more, I guess, but I don't really have that take-charge personality to get it done; I'm more of a laid back, it will happen type. Not always a good thing, but it generally works for me. I think I did well with the limited cadet resources and very limited Senior Member support I had. I don't regret anything; I loved my position, but now it's time for someone else to take over, and I'm fine with that.
We'll see how it goes.
al
I've been writing for an hour and a half. If I stay awake for another half hour, I'll see the time change. I'm not too exhausted since I fell asleep on the couch for a half hour earlier. A really deep sleep, too. I've not been sleeping too well at night lately. I think my stress level is getting up there. I think I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know what to do about it. I absolutely have to find another job, but I need one that is flexible enough to allow me to take off when needed. With Katie and Alex not driving (kind of dangerous when you're legally blind!!!), and also my mother not being physically able to drive, it al falls on me. I don't mind most of the time, but sometimes it gets to be a lot. I'm not AT ALL talking about the "kids"; they are so easy to schedule things around, and if they are home and have to go someplace, they either walk, take the city bus, or get their friend Bobby to do it. It's scheduling my mother's doctor's appointments, etc that get to be too much. I can't even begin to think of how often she has had me (!!!) reschedule an appointment because she's "too weak/tired/pick one" to make it. She gets up and takes a shower, and she's back for another 2 hour nap. She has crippling arthritis and fybro myalgia, so I know she gets tired so easily, but it's still irritating when I re-arrange my schedule to get her someplace and she says she can't make it. I understand intellectually, but it still grates on my nerves. I think I've been around it too long, without a break. That's one of the reasons I love it when Katie comes home. She takes some of the burden off me. Even though she can't drive her around, she's there to sit and talk to her, to discuss cooking, sewing, etc. Also, my mother is very negative. She doesn't see it in herself, but it drives me absolutely crazy. Very rarely does she have a positive comment to say about things, but the negative pops up first. "I hate that dress on that girl" (tv, for example); "why do people talk like that these days" (referring to changes in the vocabulary or pronunciation--"garden" with emphasis on the "d" instead of almost silent); my hair used to be a popular topic, but I got it dyed about two months ago, so that fun is taken from her; she has finally let off the subject of my weight, thank goodness; if a kid is a rather ugly kid in a picture, that's the first comment---always. Wow, that kid is ugly. Not, oh the dress is adorable, but the kid is ugly. Nope. The ugly comes first, then a comment on the cute dress.....'the cute dress can't even make her look better'.
When I point it out to her, she gets all defensive and says she's "only making a comment". After all, she's in this house 24 hours a day, all. the. time. Yes, emphasis on all. the. time. Makes it sound like I have her stuck in here. Under "house arrest" (her words, not mine). Part of her problem is that she's usually in such pain that she's awake til maybe 5 AM, then once she gets to sleep she doesn't get up until very late afternoon, by which time I'm just getting home and am exhausted and don't want to take her anywhere. But, I will if she needs/wants to.
Only 10 minutes before it's 2AM. I'm starting to get sooooooooooo sleepy. Hope I can hang on til then just to see what happens. Maybe I have to re-start my computer for it to take effect. Or, it might do it even while running, like my cell phone. I'm not feeling like I just gained an hour; I can't stop yawning. I hope once I get into bed this time that I'll fall right to sleep instead of tossing and turning. Six more minutes. How can they just crawl like that?????(the minutes)
Oh, that's right....back to the job-ramble. I need a flexible job that I can do at home. Unless I can pick up at least three more houses a week, which would be great. My houses I can always re-arrange when I need to do something. I'd love an on line job or something to do with writing. I should write articles for the newspaper, or Weekly, or something like that.
One more minute!!!!! We need a drum-roll here....1:59 and counting.......and counting.......and waiting........1:00!!!!!!! Hey.....it turned from 1:59 to 1:00!!!! That was interesting. So, now that it's "only" 1 am instead of 2 am, I think I'm supposed to be less sleepy....waiting.....waiting.....nope, still just as tired as I was "an hour" ago.
Think I'll get some sleep now. Good night/morning/whatever.
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